First of all, the disclaimer that writing in the US is much harder than writing in Europe. I don't have nearly the time to think that I did in France. Maybe I have more friends here, my lifestyle is much busier, or I understand everything that is said so I have no time to daydream while people are talking to/around me. Anyway, right now I am sitting in a cafe called the Java Train in St. Paul, looking out at the rain.
It is a block away from the retirement center where my grandmother lives. I have been planning this trip for several months--one last hurrah in the Midwest to say goodbye to family here before my move to Italy. In the time since the trip was planned (but just weeks before my trip was already scheduled), my grandfather (who used to live one block from where I am now sitting) died quite suddenly. Since he wished to be cremated, it worked out very well to have the funeral while I was already here. This has me thinking a lot about goodbyes.
I did not get the chance to say good-bye to my grandfather.
This makes me ultra-aware that I need to make this trip count even more and be very diligent in keeping in touch since it could be last time I see anyone. It is very stressful to say goodbye. I know that these next six weeks are likely to be the most stressful because with goodbyes come the unknown.
Right now unknowns seem to be the main theme of my life. While the funeral is certainly a wake-up call that we have no idea the last time we will get to say goodbye to loved ones (especially when we move abroad!), it has struck me several times during this move that the hardest part is just plain not knowing. I know that people are the best-intentioned and genuinely interested when they ask questions about next year. I would definitely be one of those bombarding questions if I were on the other end, but unfortunately every time someone asks any of the following questions: Where are you going to be living? What is your apartment like? Do you speak Italian? Do you know anyone already? What is the school like? my answer is, "I don't know." (I sounded like dummy robot on both the last day of school and my ciao bella party, "Uh, well, I don't really know yet; Nope, I don't know a word; Nope, not a single person; No, never been there before. You get the idea.) It turns out I don't know much, but while anxious and stressed about it I am equally (well, almost equally) excited about it. The unknown can be sad, painful, and about to send me over the edge with stress right now, but it also gives me something to look forward to, something new(ok, many, many somethings) to learn.
I know I'll miss my friends and family, but if you can put up with my "I don't know"s right now I promise to share tons of new experiences and knowledge in the not so distant future.